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| ===Chapter 9 - Mind versus Body===
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| (not finished)
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| Fire.
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| It was everywhere, scattered across the snowy landscape like pyres of the underworld, consuming men both alive and dead.
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| ...Flames that pumped endlessly from her own hands.
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| Before her charged in three corpses. With rimefire dripping from melting faces and sizzling flesh, they ran towards her with hands outstretched like frenzied zombies. Their lips had already burnt away, exposing jawbones that wailed more terribly than any banshee.
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| "S-stay away!" she heard her own voice.
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| With merciless steel in her hands, she unleashed a torrent of liquid fire. But even through the smoke, she could tell that it did nothing to stop the zombies' advance.
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| ...Until a bloody swordstaff cut through all three, disintegrating them into the air.
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| "KEEP...FIRING!" her savior cried out, even as a giant zombie rose up from the ground to smash a massive blade into her staff.
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| Flames reached out almost reflexively, scorching everything in its path -- both friend and foe alike. With a painful yell, her guardian lost an arm to the crashing blade. But instead of simply falling, the burning limb flew through the air and extended its fingers.
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| ...Straight for her face.
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| "AHHhhh!"
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| Kaede scrambled into an upright sit as her eyes opened to the darkness.
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| She was in Pascal's expandable cabin, although its bed currently held only herself. Her lungs panted breathlessly. Her hands still shook, and she could feel the sweaty perspiration rolling down her sensitive skin.
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| ''It's only a nightmare... only a nightmare,'' she repeated to herself.
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| "<u>Is everything alright?</u>" came Pascal's worried voice.
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| "<u>Y-yeah. Only... only a nightmare,</u> Kaede sent over the link.
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| "<u>You just experienced your first real battle and your first... well, couple dozen kills. That reaction is natural and nothing to feel ashamed about,</u>" he reassured. "<u>Try to go back to sleep. Healing magic might close wounds quickly, but it still takes time for muscle tissues to reorganize themselves properly.</u>"
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| Memories began to return as Pascal spoke. Kaede had been knocked out by a massive explosion, and woke up after the battle on Parzifal's wild tofu for the second time. After a few brief words with Pascal and others, Parzifal had used his authority as a healer to send Kaede off to rest and sleep.
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| Flipping the thick comforter off her, Kaede stretched her legs off the fleece bedsheets. Her left thigh still ached a little, but walking wouldn't be a problem.
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| "<u>You were injured as well. Shouldn't you be back here asleep also?</u>"
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| "<u>I need to finish these action reports while they are still fresh on my mind,</u> Pascal replied.
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| "<u>Well... okay,</u>" Kaede answered a bit wistfully. "<u>I'm going to take a walk. I don't think I can sleep after that.</u>"
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| "<u>Remember to turn your garments' heat up.</u>"
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| Kaede wondered if a normal girl would ask for some company and a long, warm embrace on moments like these. But while she couldn't claim to having a ton of masculinity even before coming to Hyperion, Kaede was nevertheless raised to be emotionally strong and independent.
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| ''But what's the point though, trying to appear steady and in control,'' she thought as her small hands pulled on the black pseudo-uniform around her thin shoulders.
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| It was on moments like these when Kaede questioned that if girls really did have an easier life. Sure, a driven and capable woman had her charms, at least towards any men of actual value. But culturally speaking, masculinity was judged by men's success, while femininity appealed through a girl's weakness. A female grew more attractive to friends and spouses alike through a combination of both achievements and failures. But males? The social expectation for any fall was to walk away with apparent pride.
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| That went doubly so for Pascal, who was exceedingly judgmental and took every opportunity to test others' intellect and resolve.
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| ...Although, since she ''was'' a girl now, maybe he wouldn't look down upon her for requesting some comfort. He certainly offered her free hugs when she broke down after receiving her residency.
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| Kaede mulled it over as she opened the door to the freezing winds outside.
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| ''No,'' she firmly told herself. ''The body is one thing, but I refuse to lose any parts of my personality... my real self.''
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| Reply came as a nagging echo from the depth of her mind:
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| ''You already have.''
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| <nowiki>----- * * * -----</nowiki>
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| The large and fortified cabin being used as a mess hall had a rather thick door. Kaede felt her weakness once again as she exerted to push it open.
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| She received a few curious glances, but most of the inhabitants were too busy celebrating to notice.
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| "Hey girl! You're cute! Care to join us?" One of the soldiers called out.
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| Like many of those surrounding him, he was wearing the black-on-burning-red uniform of a Knight Phantom. His face was also glowing red, and he happily waved a stein of sloshing beer in midair.
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| That instantly drew her more attention than she ever wanted.
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| "We're the ''Ghosts'' who saved the day!" said a buddy next to him, with an even redder face. "You should offer (hic) us a drink!"
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| "Pay some respect boys," came a familiar voice. "She's a friend of mine. And without her sending a hundred Northmen to early graves, we'd never have arrived in time to save anything."
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| Kaede sent an irritated glare to the speaker on reflex. He wasn't hard to pinpoint either, since Gerd Kessler's imposing musculature easily stood out from the crowd.
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| "Of course L.T," the men around him answered instantly, like pups obeying a recognized alpha wolf.
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| "I did ''not'' kill a hundred," Kaede tried to snarled back, as soft as her voice was.
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| "That's what Captain von Gottschall has been saying anyway," Gerd answered with a friendly smile, completely misreading her expression. "What's definitely true is that you are a hero, even if not everyone would admit it."
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| "I sure don't feel like one... nor do I want to," she grumbled back, images from the recent nightmare still drifting across her mind. "Mind if I have a seat?"
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| The long wooden table Gerd sat at had only two females to twenty-odd men, which included Reynald right next to him. There was also a smaller table with five women on the far side of the room, but Kaede didn't know anyone there.
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| "Sure thing," Gerd said cheerily as he and Reynald shifted to make room.
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| "Hey L.T.! I thought you only had eyes for one girl! Don't tell me you're bedding other wenches already!"
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| The comment was good-natured enough, but Kaede still colored a little.
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| She had forgotten how crude soldiers could be.
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| "She's my ''friend''! Next person I hear being disrespectful of the lady gets to duel me," Gerd declared to the whole table.
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| His wasn't actually as stern as his choice of words though. He even chuckled at the end.
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| "Well damn. No thanks L.T. After seeing you send three men flying with one swipe, I ain't meeting that swordstaff of yours," spoke another well-built trooper with a rather toothy smile. "Although I hope you won't mind me telling the little miss that she's cute as a button. Samaran I'm guessing?"
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| "Yeah... you've met one before?" Kaede replied, just before giving Reynald a jab in the ribs. She wasn't sure a finger or two had enough strength, so she used all four.
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| "Ow!" the short redhead yelped, immediately pulling back the hand that was almost on her butt.
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| Having a familiar's keen senses wasn't always bad, even if it was a bit excessive when added atop a Samaran's perfect vision and hearing.
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| "You just don't learn do you?"
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| Amusement danced within Gerd's ash-blue eyes as he looked at his friend.
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| "But the fire! It's so warm and ''tempting!'' Please, ''more''!" Reynald reached out with creepy, wriggling fingers.
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| A shiver went up Kaede's spine as she inched away while giving him another jab... in the exact same place. In the meantime, Gerd reached over her to handchop his friend's red head.
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| Reynald leaned back to dodged the bigger hand, only to run right into her low stab. Stopped hard by pain in his ribs, he took Gerd's powerful chop right to his forehead.
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| "OWWwww! Okay okay that's really starting to hurt."
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| ''So he's not actually a masochist,'' Kaede thought, right before: ''Chivalry: 1, Perverts: 0.''
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| "Where's Ariadne and Parzifal anyway?" she changed the topic to bring back some semblance of normality.
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| "Something about beauty sleep and... well, Parzifal is just tired," Reynald responded, still rubbing his ribs. "He normally has great stamina, but they wrung him dry today. One of the conditions for the town's surrender that the Princess negotiated was immediate medical assistance."
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| "Fatigue aside, I'd be asleep too if I had Putty, all soft and smooth and white and cute..."
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| Gerd's expression gained an oddly dreamy look as he spoke, and Reynald snorted into his beer mug mid-drink.
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| Kaede had to wipe a bit of spray off her cheek.
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| "You sure you're thinking white pudding still and not imagining Cecylia's thighs?" Reynald voiced rather loudly, facing his friend with a gleeful grin and a faint beer mustache.
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| His comment brought quite a few friendly laughs around the table.
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| Gerd, however, shot him a glare atop a scowl.
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| "I don't undress women with my eyes, you shameless scoundrel..." Then, with a bright scarlet blush completely unsuited to his macho appearance: "Although I wouldn't say no to a lap pillow, assuming we went far enough for it to be appropriate."
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| Reynald kept up his grin even as he shook his head:
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| "Give it up, bro. Pretty clear that she isn't interested."
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| "Then why does she shoot glances my way?"
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| ''Because even through the uniform you look buff as heck.''
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| Kaede was tempted to tell him, although it really wasn't her place to say, not when Cecylia had voiced them in the confidence of her friends. Furthermore, she was a bit flustered herself:
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| ''...Why did I just think of that right away?''
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| "You'd have better luck asking the new girl," Reynald sent back a knowing look. "And don't lie, I saw the way you looked at her!"
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| "Well, I admit: Lydia is cute; definitely my type," Gerd replied, still blushing. "But I will not try to court two women at once. It's cheap -- cheapens my efforts and cheapens them, just disgraceful altogether."
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| "L.T's the romantic type isn't he?" one of his troopers called out while another whistled "virgin", before everyone broke out into boisterous but jolly laughter.
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| "Possessive is more like it," Reynald interjected. "Just ask Cecylia once more and be done with it. Life isn't long enough to keep waiting, magic or not."
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| Kaede wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, the embarrassment, or rising anger, but Gerd's glaring face was a bright, glowing red. As he was about to retort, she decided to head him off:
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| "So, why do you like Cecylia that much?"
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| It drew his eyes back down to his beer stein in an instant, focused.
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| "Well... she's pretty, cute, energetic. She's daring and determined, yet still the type I'd need to protect. She's smart and can talk for hours about life in the world, unlike those sheltered girls who squeal over the same things. Plus she's a dhampir, and they're as devoted as a wife could be."
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| "So the L.T. just wants to go home for a smile, a kiss, and the smell of freshly made dinner!" a sergeant from across the table announced.
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| ''Which unfortunately is exactly what Cecylia won't do,'' Kaede thought.
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| "Yeah yeah I know it's cliché," Gerd retorted with a flustered look. "I'm allowed to have dreams too you know. Proud ones, unlike you bunch of sinners."
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| "Oh come on L.T., not like the rest of us are that different. Who doesn't want a caring family to welcome them home?"
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| "Other than that none of us are gonna brave the daughter of General von Falkenhausen. We'll cheer you on just for that!"
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| "To the L.T.!" his men called out, before two groups of them clamored their steins together, splashing golden-brown beer all around.
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| The comfort Gerd's men already shared with their commanding officer rather surprised Kaede. After all, he only took command six days ago.
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| "It is okay for them to drink this much?" she asked Reynald.
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| "Fight hard, play hard, that's what Captain von Hammerstein told us anyway," the redhead grinned back. "Besides, command gave everyone except the companies on watch tomorrow off for rest. So don't ruin the topic!"
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| Kaede smiled a little herself. It was indeed nice to have a pleasant conversation free of battles:
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| "Face it though, he's smitten."
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| "I'll work on that," Reynald gave a ''very'' lopsided smirk.
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| "Don't you dare interfere," Gerd growled from Kaede's other side.
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| "Don't worry bro, it's in your best interests," Reynald reassured him. "By the time you realize what's happening, you won't even complain."
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| Gerd was still scowling, but his men soon pulled him back into yet another rowdy cheer:
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| "Come on L.T., here's another!"
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| "Although I'll say: you're oddly comfortable with discussing this," Reynald said to Kaede.
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| "Shouldn't I be?" Kaede shrugged, thinking back to what another girl once said: "It's not like Gerd is ranking the girls, or judging them based solely on physical attractiveness. Now ''that'' would be insulting."
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| ''Besides, it's not like Cecylia hasn't rated him in a similar manner.''
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| "I don't know," he replied with a half-hearted shrug of his own. "Most ladies I know would already be offended at how commoners only see women as housewives as this point."
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| Kaede raised her eyebrows. It was absurdly weird to think of the ''nobles'' as the more socially progressive side of the populace in this world.
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| "Okay, please do explain. Why does the commoners have that cultural view while nobles often don't?"
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| "Because even apart from the fact that an angry noblewoman could blow her husband sky high with just a few spellwords, mages live long enough to juggle both a career and family," a rough voice answered from behind her. "The commoners' short lives restricts them quite a bit, and the yeomen tends to share that society rather than the nobles'. I can tell you that many of the friends I grew up with are already married and with kids. So of course the wives, being better caretakers but less suited for physical endurance and strength, are expected to housekeep and raise them."
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| Kaede and Reynald both turned about on the wooden bench. They found themselves facing a tall, broad-shouldered young man in 'late twenties' with a full mustache and gray eyes.
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| "Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing," he said before offering an open hand. "Sergeant Eckhart Steinmetz, Nordkreuz 3rd Cavalry, 1st Platoon, 2nd Squad leader. It's a pleasure to meet the hero of our company."
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| Kaede grasped it as firmly as she could, feeling as though she was shaking hands with a giant.
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| "Kaede Suvorsky. I'm... not really military, just Captain von Moltewitz's familiar," she spoke back carefully. "And it's Captain von Lichnowsky who is the real hero, not me. Without her, I'd be dead."
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| "That's what soldiers are: we watch out for one another, and you became part of the family the moment you helped us stop that ghastly charge," Eckhart solemnly declared as he offered Kaede an extra large stein of beer.
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| She couldn't well refuse, even if her only experience with alcohol was her father offering a sip of vodka at age six.
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| ...She still remembered that unpleasant burning on her tongue.
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| But among true soldiers, her gender hardly mattered. He clearly expected her to drink it like a man.
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| Several deep gulps proved that this beer didn't burn, although it was very strong and bitter. Kaede coughed a few times afterwards, and Eckhart gave her two pats that felt more like rubber mallet blows.
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| "I always heard that Nordkreuz had some of the best troopers," Reynald said admiringly. "They say that not a single man ran from the 3rd company, not to mention how bravely the 1st fought. You guys are good, and your attitude proves it all the more."
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| "Colonel von Hammerstein is hell of a trainer, and the Captain is a good woman herself," Eckhart nodded as he shook Reynald's offered hand. "I just hope they don't disband us. Even including the Captain and those who will be retiring, only nineteen of us survived this battle."
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| ''Retire,'' Kaede thought as she gulped down more liquor. ''What a nice way to say that she's too crippled to fight anymore.''
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| She didn't know what being drunk felt like. But right now, she ''really'' wanted the stupor that supposedly came along with it.
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| ...
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| In the end, Reynald and Eckhart ended up trading stories.
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| Kaede was rather surprised to learn that unlike the stern Captain she only knew from the battlefield, Karen von Lichnowsky was quite a humored commander. She apparently had excellent timing for comebacks toward acts of comedic stupidity, occasionally using her long hair much like a Japanese paper fan.
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| The last good moment of the night came when Gerd, curious over tales of Kaede shooting down a siphoneer, asked to see her morphic blade:
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| "Weeell 'arn, could buy dozen o' mine 'ordsaff for this!"
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| "Wha' di'ye expect? 'Er master's a rich bastard," Reynald slurred back.
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| With one thud after another, both of them passed out.
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| Reynald's tolerance was average, he just drank rather slowly. But Gerd? Judging by the mountain of mugs, his men must have fed him a whole keg.
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| Then, with no one remaining to distract her, the images and screams soon returned to haunt...
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| <nowiki>----- * * * -----</nowiki>
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| The first one who walked in next morning was Parzifal, followed closely by Cecylia in her black, long-skirted uniform.
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| Eying the roomful of passed out drunks, the healer gave a very audible sigh even before he emerged from the doorway. Then:
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| "Kaede, what're you doing here?"
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| Kaede replied with a depressed sigh of her own.
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| "Apparently on Hyperion, Russians really can drink vodka like water... I had hoped to fall asleep if I got drunk enough, but since I'm Samaran and alcohol is a slow poison..."
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| Parzifal exchanged a worried glance with Cecylia.
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| "Kaede, if you want to talk about it, I'm always willing to listen," he began, his voice warm and understanding. "Killing another person is never easy for good people, and you're certainly a good girl, Kaede."
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| "What does a healer know about murdering others?" she retorted irritably.
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| "Pascal or Reynald can tell you what I managed to do to an assassin, Kaede. It wasn't pretty, and I could barely sleep afterwards. I prayed for hours and confessed to a priest the next day -- which, if you prefer, I also know a good chaplain with the units here."
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| Parzifal kept his calm and patience, but Kaede still felt the regret buried deep underneath.
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| "Sorry," she muttered. ''But I don't think a priest can help me any...''
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| "Besides Kaede, you have to remember -- you only did what you had to," Cecylia added firmly. "If they had broken through, it was you, Pascal, and hundreds of our men and friends who would have died. You ''didn't have a choice''."
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| ''But even that doesn't justify what I did to the Captain...''
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| Kaede then shook her head, forcing a wry smile back to her lips:
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| "Thanks. Don't worry about it. I'm sure it'll come to pass soon enough," she lied through downcast eyes.
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| Neither of others looked convinced by the slightest margin.
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| Although Cecylia soon raised the mood back up with a cheerful declaration:
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| "Come on Kaede. I'm meeting up with Sylviane outside, and you're joining us. Loads better than this dank place that reeks of alcohol. Besides, Parzifal could use the room to cleanse the hangovers like he promised the boys."
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| "They'll be pretty rowdy when they get up," the healer admitted. "Complain more than a bunch of elders with arthritis."
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| Kaede almost chuckled at that as she slowly stood up from her seat.
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| "Sure, sure."
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| She apparently wasn't fast enough, and Cecylia rushed up to drag her off the moment one leg stepped around the bench.
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| ...
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| As it turned out, they emerged from the cabin the moment Sylviane stepped up to the door. The Princess wore her sky-blue-to-violet battledress with armor plates off, and her knight Mari followed just a step behind.
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| But Sylviane's reaction towards Kaede's presence was very different from the others:
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| "I'm surprised Pascal didn't haul you off, spending a night drinking with men. And even your looks are improper... terrible."
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| "Sorry, Your Highness," Kaede looked down from the Princess' critiquing gaze. Even within her own thoughts, she didn't have the energy to argue back. "I... actually haven't heard from Pascal since waking up past midnight."
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| "And you're supposed to be taking care of your master," Sylviane reprimanded. "Where was he then?"
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| "He was finishing action reports, probably in the command center."
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| Sylviane didn't hesitate for a moment before turning her heels.
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| ...
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| The trek through the snow was mostly uneventful. The skies were barely lit in the early morning fog, and most soldiers were still asleep. Although the four girls did encounter one odd event when a column of men ran by, chanting some army song as they went.
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| They were also shirtless... in the dead of winter.
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| "Blessed be the Holy Father for granting us magic..." Cecylia whispered as she stopped in her tracks. Her head swiveled about to follow them, eyes nailed until they were out of sight.
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| Kaede did some staring as well, even nodding along before she realized what she was doing.
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| ''Darn it, not again! I hate you hormones!''
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| "Who was that leading?" Sylviane asked, both impressed and curious.
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| "Lieutenant-Colonel Dietrich Gottfried von Falkenhayn, XO of ''Phantom Gale''," Cecylia answered. "He's a dhampir like me, but about thrice my age. Delicious looking, isn't he?"
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| "Well, he's certainly not a fruit," Kaede spoke back, still trying to fan the image of perfect abs out of her mind.
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| "Everything appealing looks tasty to the dhampirs, even their own kind," Sylviane shrugged as she waved them to continue crunching through the snow.
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| Kaede found the thought a bit disconcerting:
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| "Isn't that slightly... cannibalistic?"
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| "Before the Church took us in, some dhampirs did practice that to a nibbling degree," Cecylia replied, completely nonchalant.
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| "That's disturbing," Sylviane interjected immediately.
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| "Yeah... I rather agree," the dhampir nodded. "But then, everything can seem disturbing until they're part of our own culture. I mean when you think about it from a different angle, even the most religiously approved act of fornication isn't all that different from spitting down each others' throats."
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| "Ew. I guess that's why males are the more promiscuous gender?" Sylviane asked, her volume dropping to a whisper as she continued: "Since they're the ones doing the... uh, spitting."
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| ''I'm not sure I'll ever forget that analogy.''
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| Kaede rather wished she didn't hear this exchange.
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| Then it grew worse as Cecylia began to explain:
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| "A bit? Not really. The real reason is quite simple: the mother of a child is always clear and must take responsibility. But a man? Not so much. Fathers also couldn't be certain that the child was theirs before they created the ''Bloodline Trace'' spell, which lead to widespread cultural expectations for bridal chastity and all that even before the religious faiths preached them."
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| "Right, since we're the ones who get pregnant," Sylviane added.
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| Just as Kaede's thoughts reached the same conclusion, and instantly derailed into a cataclysmic train crash.
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| Since coming to Hyperion, Kaede had avoided thinking about gender issues unless it was immediately relevant or necessary. The thought ''I could become pregnant'' had never even crossed her mind...
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| Until now, as copies of the same message exploded across an already cluttered mind, combined with a tangled mess of emotions that could only be explained as utter chaos.
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| The only component of her normally organized mind that didn't fail was the emergency shutdown. It soon triggered as the tidal surge of turmoil overwhelmed her exhausted brain nerves in a cascading power grid failure.
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| But to the other three, it seemed like Samaran girl tripped, plunged face-first into the hardened, foot-compacted snow, and passed out.
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| ...
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| Sylviane's guess about Pascal proved right within another minute.
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| They found him asleep on a large desk in the still-empty building, using the parchment he wrote on as a pillow. The action report appeared mostly smudge-free as they pulled him off, although his cheeks now had ink stamped into them.
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| "Huhhh?" Pascal stirred through barely-opened eyes.
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| "You're sleeping in the wrong place," Sylviane said, her tone completely straightforward as she pulled his right arm over her shoulders.
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| Mari silently stepped up to help her.
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| "No, I can manage..." the Princess interrupted. Then, as she struggled somewhat to pull him off the chair: "nevermind. He's heavier than he looks."
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| "That's a good thing," Cecylia grinned, her hand still supporting a partially-zombiefied Kaede. "Must be pretty dense under that uniform."
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| "Remember: ''my'' fiancé," Sylviane replied. She was mostly joking, although a hinted warning lay within.
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| Then, with Pascal's other arm around Mari's shoulders, the Princess and her knight-in-waiting began to carry him off.
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| Meanwhile, Cecylia held the door open with her one available arm.
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| "Seriously, what is it with these two?" the Princess wondered aloud.
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| "Stress? Injury? Overwork? Sleep deprivation? Battle fatigue?" Cecylia offered one explanation after another before shrugging. "Kaede it can't be your period again could it? That would be wayyy too irregular of a cycle."
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| The dazed Samaran girl faintly shook her head but never answered.
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| Had Cecylia tried to scan her thoughts, the response would have been overwhelming:
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| ''I can't take this anymore.''
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| <nowiki>----- * * * -----</nowiki>
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